The MAGA Nuremberg Trials: 2026
Day One of the Most Important Crimes Against Humanity Tribunal Since 1946
By Mortimer Blythe-Snark, Senior Correspondent for The World Gazette
Nuremberg, Germany (April 1, 2027) – In a turn of events that even history’s most ironic authors would struggle to pen, the World Court has convened in the hallowed halls of Nuremberg to try those responsible for what prosecutors are calling “a slow-motion demolition of Western democracy so shamelessly corrupt, stunningly incompetent, patently racist, and morally bankrupt that it made the fall of the Weimar Republic look like a well-managed corporate merger.”
Bringing the defendants to justice, however, proved no small feat. Once news of the impending tribunal broke, they scattered like cockroaches under the glare of an investigative spotlight. Some took refuge in the wilderness, others in obscure overseas boltholes, and a few — perhaps assuming the world had forgotten about them — remained in plain sight, still grifting their loyalists for ‘legal defense’ funds.
International authorities, armed with a mix of patience, creative extradition methods, and — where necessary — a well-placed bribe, eventually rounded them up. It took months of effort, countless sting operations, and at least one surprise capture involving a bear trap, a can of Axe body spray, and a decoy invitation to a ‘Patriot Revival Rally’ at a local beer hall. But at last, the fugitives were corralled and prepared for judgment.
Donald J. Trump, self-exiled to a basement efficiency beneath a shuttered YWCA near Moscow, was extradited under conditions that he described as “very unfair, very nasty,” before attempting to sell his own signature on the warrant to Russian state media. He entered the courtroom in a badly tailored suit, gripping a tattered printout of the electoral map from 2016, which he clutched like a sacred relic. Prosecutors allege that Trump, along with his co-defendants, systematically attempted to dismantle democratic institutions for personal gain, all while transforming their political grift into a grotesque shopping network, peddling gaudy, poorly made merchandise and commemorative gold coins so flimsy they make chocolate coins look like solid investments.
JD Vance, the former vice president who scurried to a dilapidated hunting lodge in the deep woods near Elks Anus, Arkansas, was taken into custody after a brief standoff in which he reportedly tried to barter his freedom in exchange for a homemade batch of venison jerky and a signed first edition of Hillbilly Elegy — a work he later disavowed while maintaining an online store selling autographed copies.
Meanwhile, Melania Trump was detained in a dimly lit Bronx basement apartment adorned with a motorized disco ball and striper pole, allegedly filming exclusive content for her ‘patriots-only’ account on a MAGA-popular OnlyFans page. Don Trump, Jr., barricaded deep in the basement of ‘Lemuel’s Hunting, Fishing, & Worm Emporium,’ surrendered without resistance and attempted to bribe the authorities with a limited-edition bottle of his private-label bourbon, Sadness & Testosterone and a gram of Bolivian marching powder.
The true drama, however, erupted with the arrest of Eric Trump. Often dismissed as an intellectually negligible presence in the Trump family hierarchy, new evidence suggests that Eric had, in fact, been the secret mastermind behind White House policy, playing a sinister role in manipulating his father while forming a shadow alliance with Vladimir Putin’s inner circle. The ex-president, in a move of sheer desperation, confessed that Eric had been the true architect of his administration, engaging in elder abuse that forced him to take positions he knew were “tremendously dumb.” Upon hearing these allegations, Eric — a man previously seen as possessing the charisma of damp plywood — simply smiled and nodded, whispering, “Finally.”
Among the other defendants, Marco Rubio was apprehended while attempting to escape to a Miami-area megachurch disguised as a prosperity gospel pastor, though his plan was foiled when he was unable to correctly recite Luke 19:3, "He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was so short he could not see over the crowd."
Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert were arrested trying to storm the trial’s security perimeter, waving pocket-sized Constitutions, unread and still in their plastic wrappers. In a bizarre legal twist, Greene was additionally accused of feigning to be a woman in a desperate bid for judicial leniency. Prosecutors, unfazed by her indignant bellowing, threats of violence, and challenges to arm wrestle “anyone, anywhere and anytime,” have demanded a medical test to determine if she is, in fact, a man poorly masquerading as a woman to manipulate court proceedings.
Despite Greene and Boebert’s active roles in undermining democracy, cozying up to despots, and allegedly engaging in a vodka-fueled ‘three-some’ with Putin, they were found innocent by reason of lacking any provable education and being afflicted with an apparently terminal case of performative lunacy. Their defense counsel, eyes twitching from exhaustion, argued that no court in the world could reasonably convict two individuals who are fundamentally incapable of either understanding basic cause and effect or polysyllabic words. The judges, after an exceptionally brief and unanimous decision, agreed and immediately trespassed them both from Europe.
The courtroom, overseen by the distinguished Judge Hans Gruslig Penisschneider, began proceedings with an opening statement by lead prosecutor Ben Dover. “This is not just about one man,” Dover declared. “This is about a movement so drenched in deceit, corruption, racial bias, and stunningly avoidable incompetence that it would make even history’s most infamous despots pause and say, ‘Wow, that’s a bit much.’”
Defense attorneys, including Putin’s lawyer Ivan A. Kutchurkov, issued a vigorous rebuttal, arguing that their clients had been unfairly targeted by “woke globalists” and that Putin was merely a “concerned patron of Western decline.”
The trial is expected to last several months, with testimony anticipated from a range of figures, including NATO leaders, former U.S. government officials, and a mysterious trio of Russian sporting women known only as ‘the Urinator-esses.’ Former President Barack Obama, attending in an unofficial capacity, was seen leaning back in his seat, quietly sipping tea and shaking his head.
Outside the courthouse, a ragtag assembly of die-hard supporters has gathered, waving increasingly incoherent protest signs while trying to barter NFTs of Trump’s mugshot for cigarettes and rationed cheese. Inside, the former president, oblivious to the gravity of his circumstances, has demanded a Diet Coke button be installed on the defendant’s bench, insisting that he be referred to as “President-in-Exile” for the duration of the trial.
The world watches, and history waits.
Kim E. Petersen is a graduate of the University of Oxford and a former Captain in the U.S. Army’s Special Forces. Petersen was a member of the White House Transition Team for President George H. W. Bush and served as senior security advisor to former Secretaries of State Henry Kissinger and Alexander Haig. He also held senior professional staff positions at the U.S. Senate and the Pentagon, and supported U.S. national security interests abroad through clandestine operations with the CIA. Now semi-retired, he divides his time between misguided attempts at painting and poetry, and occasionally providing business intelligence and security consulting services to government and private sector clients.
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